Again - don't mess with The Cyclone

I've said it once and I'll say it again. Don't.Do.It.

Understanding the social side of things doesn't come naturally to Cyclone. Give and take, to and fro, the exchange of information, conversations that have more than one side for example.

Actually he doesn't do too badly, but he certainly has an unnatural hatred for anyone in authority. He also can't see why being an adult gives you automatic rights to ummm well.... being right.

In general boys seem to have a huge sense of justice and couple that with a child that has no fear of boundaries and you get this little tale -

I took Cyclone and his little sister Betty Boo to the local indoor pool to burn off some energy. Usually I jump in too but I was having a particularly fabulous hair day and I wasn't going to trash it with chlorine.

I stay close to the side and play with Betty in the shallow end with pants rolled up whilst keeping one eye on the boy.

I look up from Betty and see Cyclone yelling and splashing water violently at another parent and her child. HEY! I call out and race to the closest point to the action. Cyclone looks up at me with his face like a thunder cloud (but bright red) and retreats to the middle of the pool, shouting something I can't hear.

The other parent swims over to me and I go to apologise but something tells me to wait. So I do, and instead of saying sorry immediately I ask her what happened.
SHE apologises to ME and explains she asked Cyclone for one of the 3 floatboards (bigger than a kickboard) he had made into a raft and was happily floating around on.
He said no. She tells me she asked several times but he refused so she just decided to take one from him.

I was incredulous and it must have shown on my face. She apologised again and said she should not have done so "but I asked him 3 times and he still said no". Like I am supposed to agree with her that my son has bad manners???

I frostily pointed out to her that there were 2 other floatboards unused at the other side of the pool and walked away. It wasn't over then though. Every time that woman came within 3 metres of Cyclone he started splashing her again and they ended up leaving.

Well there wasn't much I could do at that point. I was dressed, it was noisy and Cyclone wouldn't come near me to talk him down because he had seen this woman come and talk to me and assumed he was the one in trouble. I just wanted to tell him that he WASN'T in trouble. She was terribly rude. He would have calmed down if he knew I wasn't cross with him (why would I be?)and he would have dropped the splash crusade and gone on his merry way.

I didn't care that they left. If she had accepted that he didn't want to dismantle his raft and found something else to do she might have been pleasantly surprised when Cyclone approached her shortly after to offer her a board on his own terms. He would have you know. He just needs a little more time to process the request.

Did the Aspyness of my boy work in his favour? I'm not sure....I think so. I know that if it had been my older daughter she would have just let the lady take the board because she was an adult and felt upset, bewildered and probably lost some trust in the adult kind (when they need to feel safe with us big people).

HURRY! Funding......

This is my heads up and warning to anyone reading this with a quirky kid.

If you have read some of these posts and have been nodding your head, if you are not sure, if you child is just fine in some areas but louder, faster, more-er in others, if you feel in your heart that things are out of sync for your child.

Don't fuck around.

Get a referral to a Pediatrician that specialises in Spectrum Disorders and GO. Not your usual paed if you have one already - a Spectrum one.

You may find your darling is completely neurotypical, just good at providing the usual hilarious moments, or you might find only sensory issues, or your child might just prove your gut feeling correct and land on the Autism Spectrum.

None of this is a bad thing! But if you end up with a spectrum diagnosis, you need to get to it early. Autism Spectrum Disorders (this includes Aspergers) are wide and varied - and personality counts too. ASD is not usually diagnosed until 3 years at least. If you child is wired differently it's best you get a greater understanding and early help.

ALSO, there is funding available (Australia) - yep $12,000 big ones to help pay for the various therapies. Social Skills, Occupational Therapy, Psychologists.

Cyclone nearly missed this funding. I wish I had got a diagnosis earlier instead of faffing around - or thinking it was a "phase" - or comparing him to other children on the Spectrum and thinking he was ok because he didn't do X Y and Z.

He is 6 now and having a terrible time adjusting to school. He is stressed, anxious and aggressive. Since starting school all quirks have become full blown issues or meltdowns, even though he was FINE at Kindergarten.

If I had an earlier diagnosis instead of sticking my head in the sand, he would have had HEAPS of help available for over a year. We wouldn't be where we are now. Things wouldn't be perfect but I'm sure he wouldn't have been so anxious, I could have helped him through changes....I could have done so much more.

The $12,000 is only available until they turn six. Get your butts into gear. Do it. Do it. DO IT.

Daycare and Kinder years

I've gone back to work full time so with some trepidation I put the children into daycare. Scorpio can take them on Fridays so they don't have to be there a full week. With all the travel to work and back it ends up being quite a long day for them.

Surprisingly Cyclone does just fine, some days he doesn't want to go but that's pretty normal. He doesn't like walking into the room but if everyone is doing something else and the blocks are out ready to play he zeros right in without a second look.
After awhile he even waves goodbye with a smile on his face.

At pick up time he is bursting to show me his latest creation and beams when we all tell him how amazing it is. He gets very distressed at the thought of breaking it down at pack up time and fairly soon they don't ask.

One of the assistants, Mimi really really gets his number. She makes an incredible fuss of his creations and when I pick him up she calls to me - "oh you MUST see this beautiful train Cyclone has made, it is so wonderful we have put it up on the shelf so it doesn't get broken by anyone". She takes his worries, very very seriously and never once treats him like a child - she treats him the same as she would her own friends I think. I ADORE this lady.

But the blocks must be put away eventually and Cyclone seems to think it's ok if I take a photo. I have so many on my phone right I can't fit in anything else and even though he never asks about the pictures I can't bring myself to delete them.

At the end of the year the centre does a play. They rehearse alot and about a week before the boy in the lead role of 'granpa' decides he doesn't want to do it. Somehow they talk Cyclone into it. For the next week I get mobbed by various staff members excitedly telling me how wonderful he is, and how impressed they are. It's not that he is the next Johnny Depp, it's they are so proud of what he is able to do.

It's obvious that his quirks endear him to everyone at daycare and for a minute there I dream of being a stage mum...cos they're normal right?


I look back and can now see why Cyclone was able to do that, when usually anyone he doesn't know looks at him he screams abuse.

It's a play. It's scripted. He knows exactly what is going to happen next and with all the rehearsing he knows when people are going to laugh and why they think its funny.

Ahhh hindsight.

Faster. Louder. Further. More-er

He is just a typical child - amplified.

Normal frustrations when things don't work, just LOUDER and FASTER. If it doesn't work in an instant screaming ensues. I'm an impatient person and I understand him to a point - but PHEW!

People think he is spoilt, the in-laws think he needs a good hard smack and now I'm getting frustrated. Can't they SEE? Just because he is little doesn't mean what he is trying to tell you isn't important. He can tell you are not listening to him if you just nod and smile assuming he is babbling about nothing or trying to show you a new toy. If you listened you would hear him telling you HOW the toy works, not that it lights up and whirrs, but how this is happening.

He asks me a question - and before I have a chance to draw breath to answer he is on the floor screaming because I haven't answered fast enough. Faster. Louder.

He loves Thomas the Tank Engine soooo much. More. More-er.

He HATES Sesame Street. When the opening credits come on he screeches "get it off get it off I HATE it!" I'm always dashing for the remote to avoid the morning head split. Sometimes sadly I'm in the toilet at the wrong time.

He LOVES The Simpsons, I'm not sure if it's PC for kids to watch it, but it's practically an institution in this house and it's a cartoon for fucks sake.
Pretty soon Cyclone goes NUTS at the opening credits for this too. The difference is we all MUST WATCH THE START. Everyone in the house has to be in attendance for this nightly event.

We just do it. Yeah it's a hassle sometimes but it's "just a Cyclone thing". He's our funny little boy.

Cyclones dad (Scorpio) doesn't like taking him out to the shops anymore. Cyclone screams when he doesn't get his way, won't leave the toy section and runs amok in the supermarket.

I don't have that problem. I've noticed that Cyclone is better when he knows what's going to happen. Before we go out I say - "we are going to the bank, then the fruit shop, then to the bakery". He is fine with that. I tell him we are leaving the toy shop in 2 minutes and I walk away when it's time to go. I don't make a big deal, I don't negotiate and although he might whine a little, he follows me out.

When Scorpio takes him there are tanties in the aisles, screaming, swearing and Scorpio gets embarrassed, feels the pressure of all eyes on him. He does the right thing, he tries to explain it's time to go. He gets down to Cyclones level (physically) but Cyclone always takes it to a new level. The pressure of others tut tutting gets to him and he ends up throwing Cyclone over his shoulder and walking out. No one is happy.

I blame Scorpio for not being firmer. Funnily enough he thinks I give in to Cyclone because I listen, and I feel I understand him.

Now he is Three

Oh...he sleeps!

It only took a couple of weeks in the Big Bed, but HE SLEEPS!

No more being rocked to the tune of "This Old Man" times 20. A story from mum and story from dad and he falls to sleep and stays that way.

We did a Parenting Course (Triple P) and although daddy and I have completely different parenting styles the one thing we learnt was strong boundaries and he loves them. It's tiring though but through the meltdowns we just kept on going. Kept backing each other up (and when we disagreed we took it up with each other in the garage later in the night).

I had given in before then though. I mean, I came to the conclusion that Cyclone was a "Difficult Child". OOHHHHHH YEEEAHH. There is that term. Another blogger got ripped a new one for using that term and in my opinion the people that did so can kiss my wobbly white butt.

You see, I pored over all the baby and toddler books looking for answers. Some I threw into the backyard in disgust, some were ok and had lots of advice but nothing if the advice didn't work. Except one by Christopher Green.

He has a lovely down-to-earth writing style and near the end of one of his books it said something along the lines of - If this doesn't work and your child doesn't sleep/is still unsettled/unhappy you might just have one of the something (sorry can't remember) % that are 'difficult children'. Just know in my experience that nearly all of these kids end up sleeping by 3 years of age. Hang in there. So I did and he was right. We just stopped looking for answers and waited it out.

The Toddler

As a toddler he was easily frustrated. But aren’t they all? He started to talk right on time, walked right on time. Said sentences early. I started calling him BamBam because he was a ‘bashy baby’. Just bashed all his toys all over the place making as much noise as possible at all times. He was still easily upset, hard to please, insistent.

Before his first birthday he learnt to turn on the stereo and play a Foo Fighters CD. He loved to boogie and would wiggle his little nappy clad bum and stamp his feet.
Getting him to sleep was still a nightmare. He would stand in the cot shaking it and screaming NO THANK YOOOOU, over and over again. You could only smile at the angry manners.

His sister was born just before he was 2 years old. We were so sleep deprived and surrounded by nappies we didn’t feel another baby would make much difference. And she didn’t. It did to Cyclone. He was fascinated by her but quickly learnt a great way to get a reaction is to jump onto the wooden floors just as mummy was getting the baby to sleep.

Thankfully out of the blue he started going to bed happily and sleeping though when he was three. What a long three years that was……

Cyclone the baby

Cyclone as a baby – phew. He just didn’t stop crying for hours and hours on end. He seemed overwhelmed all the time. He didn’t sleep well. We rocked and paced and jiggled, we bathed, massaged and he just cried the whole time.

I found it hard to ‘get’ him. It’s hard to get close to a baby that’s stiff as a board and screaming loud enough to crack your eardrums. For awhile I thought it was my own stress because I thought he was going to die thanks to the stupid comment from that midwife.

I had a wonderful Maternal Health Nurse. Her first home visit was when Cyclone was about 2 weeks old. I answered the door, thrust the squalling bundle into her arms and burst into tears. On retrospect I was lucky she wasn’t a salesman because I probably would have done the same thing no matter who was at the door.
Wonderful nurse sent Cyclone and I to bed – for weeks if necessary. I think I stayed in there for three. I highly recommend this for ANY new mother. It gives you time to get to know your baby without the stresses of getting dressed, and in the early days getting dressed seems like such a faraway dream somedays….

Weeks later things weren’t much better. Cyclone fed every 90 minutes and could not be persuaded otherwise. By 4 months things had settled down a little – or maybe we just adjusted. My now teenage daughter was 12 then, so pretty self sufficient, the dogs got used to being fed at 2am and I was thanking heaven for paid maternity leave.

We tried sleep school, but we left early. Leaving a distressed child to cry doesn’t make them any less distressed. I did what they told me for 4 days but even the nurse said she didn’t feel things were changing and it just wasn’t going to work.

He learned to throw a head butt at about six months old. After the 3rd time he got one of us right in the nose we realized it was deliberate. Seriously. He would tuck in his chin and lean his weight forward so he sort of fell on you. Looking back I think he bumped his head by accident but noticed there was a big reaction OOWWWCH and tried it again. Even that young, he was noticing.

He weaned himself and went to Goats Milk formula when he was seven months. I was heartbroken - boobies were the only thing that stopped the screaming. He couldn’t tolerate regular formula, his tummy hurt and of course he cried and cried and cried.

I will finish this entry by saying plenty of babies are like this in their first few months. If you are reading this with a screaming, squirming child in your arms - please do not crap your pants and worry there is something wrong. I am just setting up the story and giving some background.

What is Asperger Syndrome?

The following information comes from Autism Victoria www.autismvictoria.org.au.
As mentioned - the effects can be varied. Some kids are quirky, sometimes its hard to tell if it's that or something more. I have italicised how each points apply to Cyclone...so it doesn't seem as dry. Fantastic and well written info though.


A developmental disorder which falls within the Autism Spectrum. Main features of this disorder become obvious during early childhood and remain constant throughout life, although common features and degree of actual impairment can vary. Rarely recognised before the age of 3. More common in boys than girls.
Core features are lack of social skills, limited ability to have a two way conversation and an intense interest in a particular subject. Most of these children attend normal primary schools.

COMMUNICATION

Although these children are often highly articulate, content of speech may be abnormal, tending to be pedantic and often centering on 1 or 2 favourite topics. Sometimes a word or phrase is repeated over and over in stereotyped fashion. Usually, there is a comprehension deficit despite apparent superior verbal skills. Non verbal communication, both expressive and receptive is often impaired.

Cyclone is beautifully spoken, he often surprises people with his language. If you interrupt him when he is trying to tell you something he will get very frustrated if anything interrupts him and begins again from the start of the story, word for word.

When he was about 2.5 years old he told my mother a story about Thomas the Tank Engine - it went for 30 minutes nonstop and she couldn't get a word in edgewise.


SOCIAL INTERACTION

There tends to be impairment in a two way social interaction due to an inability to understand the rules governing social behaviour. A lack of empathy with other and little to no eye contact may be evident. Can appear to be stuck on the egocentric stage of social and emotional development. They tend to perceive the world exclusively from their own point of view. Although interested in social relationships often social contact is made inappropriately.


He wants to play, he wants to have friends but doesn't quite know how to approach other children. Either he runs up and threatens them or launches into a long sermon about how the planets orbit the sun or how what type of weapons a Jedi needs to defeat the Dark Lord.
He doesn't seem to get how games are played, he hates losing and berates himself for not being better to the point it is heartbreaking to hear.


SOCIAL BEHAVIOUR

Is often naive and peculiar. Can tend to be intensely attached to particular possessions often engaging in repetitive activities. Resistant to change, coping best when life is predictable. They prefer structure and may concentrate exclusively on matter in which they are interested. Are often known as loners who never quite fit in because of eccentric behaviour, peculiar ways of speaking and a lack of social skills.


Cyclone just wants to build all day. When there have been shared toys (like blocks) at daycare, kindergarten or school he assumes they are his and cannot bear to share them. He builds wonderful structures and others are welcome to help as long as they follow his instruction. If not he berates them horribly and they retreat.

COMMON FEATURES

*Excellent rote memory, absorbs facts easily. *Generally performs well with maths, science and reading. *May be anxious and unable to cope with criticism or imperfection. *Often the victims of teasing and bullying leading to withdrawal into isolated activities. *Can appear to be clumsy and have an unusual gait or stance. Often seen as odd or eccentric. *Language appears good but may have limited content and poor social understanding. *Self interested and lacks empathy.

He walks fine. He isn't clumsy. He gets bullied sometimes because others seem to pick that it's easy to set him off. At least he "brings it" and follows through with his threats rather than talking tough then running off to his mother crying when it doesn't work out. Am I terrible for saying that? I don't care if I am, I hate shit-stirring little bastards. At least Cyclone means what he says.
He says terrible things that upset others though, and doesn't care if they look shocked or upset

When he was born

I had a physically perfect pregnancy with Cyclone. Plenty of morning sickness, tiredness and cravings.

Emotionally it was an awful time. I was still trying to sort the financial settlement from the breakup of my marriage and my brother died in an accident. My partner (Scorpio) lost his house in a fire and moved in (which obviously resulted in Cyclone coming along) with his daughter, dogs and bird. Changing schools, teen angst, insurance company battles, hospitals, funeral all on top of mothering a 9 year old and working full time…ACH!

Cyclone was an easy birth physically, again mentally it was awful. I do labour fast, and although I told the midwife this was really it, apparently she didn’t believe me. I was stressed because I wasn’t being listened to, didn’t feel safe and couldn’t get into a zone. The midwife squealed when Cyclone was emerging and told me to stop pushing. He shot out 30 seconds later and she yelled “stop, he’s too small”….. He wasn’t too small, he was just under 7 pounds. But the misplaced hysteria in her voice rang in my head for months afterwards.

I handed him to visitors asking them if they thought he was too small, when I spoke to people on the phone I asked if they thought 6pd 9oz was too small. Are you sure? Really? I’d be reassured constantly but I was so nervous all the time. For some reason I kept thinking he might die. Makes no sense and I couldn’t help those thoughts.

Let me say here – that I am (or I used to be) pretty chilled out, laid back person. This wasn’t first time mum nerves, I’ve done this before – pretty much sailed though with my daughter. This concept was totally foreign to me.

However I must mention how thrilled and full of joy I was for being the mother of a son! He was just perfect with the longest legs I’ve ever seen on a baby. He was placed on my tummy straight after birth and literally ran up my body and attached to my breast. I later asked who moved him up to my boob and my sister said, “no one, he did it himself, he gave 2 huge frog kicks and pushed himself – I couldn’t believe what I was seeing”. Awesome, wonderful, perfect.

The real First Post

I should have started this ages ago. This blog will be about my travels with my son, Cyclone. Not a geographical trip, just the story of how it is.

Ok, so I have written 2 pages in about 20 minutes so I suppose we should consider this blog a debrief too.

It’s been a hard slog with my boy. Right now he is in the middle of a long assessment for a possible Aspergers Disorder diagnosis. He is nearly 6 years old. I haven’t done this before now because it’s been so hard to work out if there is anything actually wrong. Sometimes the tantrums and meltdowns and yelling and stress are gone and you forget there was a problem. Then you get so used to everything, you only notice when you see your friends children and they don’t make weird noises, throw themselves around from the moment they wake up or scream death threats when it’s time to go home.

As I type I can hear him screaming a full volume and threatening to smash the Wii because he can’t get the disk in.

Cyclone has started school this year but he only goes half days because he just can’t handle all the input. He can’t handle changing activities, he only wants to build things all day. I’m noticing patterns of behavior and I can see why I’ve been so confused about it all. He can handle change (?). It takes a long time but with lots of encouragement he gets there. Then I take a deep breath, smile and think –“well done son, you overcame this battle” and believe there is nothing really wrong. He just takes a while to adjust, that’s all. Then the shit totally hits the fan and his behavior gets worse in a different area.

I kinda feel like those kids you see at the water fountains that come out of the ground. They try to step on all the holes so the water won’t come out. That’s me – but it’s series of volcanos I’m trying to keep a lid on.

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