Things are still not right

Halfway through the Kinder year, things start to crack again. I'm a member of a brilliant Parenting forum called BellyBelly and there is a section for Aspy/Austism/Sensory matters. I've been lurking in there for awhile. I go to post a question but then Cyclone seems to settle down so I don't bother.

After awhile I take the plunge - here is the post.




Oh Jeez, having a crapola day today. He just doesn't LET UP.

I still can't work out if Cyclone just has a hair trigger temper combined with general (extreme) naughtiness or if it's something more.

Last playdate, dp picked him up and the mum was just saying how wonderfully behaved they both were when Cyclone noticed dp there and just went POSTAL. Screaming abuse and hitting, running off and declaring dp an a hole....

He never, ever stops talking. If something doesn't go his way it's DEF CON 10, freakin screaming, hitting, threatening blah blah.
dp hates taking him to the shops cos he is such an embarrassment, but I find I can handle it because I handle him really calmly, but it's very tiring having to assess every potential 'hazard' so I can jump in and walk/distract him through it.
He has always been pretty good for both grandparents, but still has meltdowns here and there. They both keep him pretty busy though.

He has some quirks - we all MUST watch the very beginning of The Simpsons every time it comes on (DAMN you Foxtel). If we are all not present in the room and watching DEF CON 10. Before then we all had to watch the end of Sesame Street to see the train coming through the tunnel. He really hates the strangest things - Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba and Pinky Doo - GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!!! Meltdown.

I hate it when people in the street catch his eye or makes a comment. He takes it as negative if people smile at him and often yells at them. I have to reassure him no one is laughing at him.

And he won't leave his poor bloody sister alone. He seems hell bent on upsetting her, hurting her and tormenting her. I can't leave them alone together. Sometimes they play beautifully. I suppose that's because Beth just does what he tells her to do.

Today - he mashed flypaper in her hair

It's really hard to keep your cool, allll daaaay looong

I dunno, I go from thinking I am really on his level, to worrying that I'm not providing the right environment for him dammit.


So I threw it out there. The responses I got pushed me to seek a little harder into what was going on. You can click the BellyBelly link to read for yourself.

Cyclone at Kindergarten

I'm looking forward to Cyclone starting Kindergarten. In Victoria, children go to Kinder when they are 4 years old, to socialise, fingerpaint and get ready for school. The first year of school is called Prep. Kindergarten is 10 hours a week divided into 3 sessions across the week. 2 morning sessions and 1 afternoon.

The Kindergarten is across the road and 4 houses up from our house so I'm looking forward to walking him there with his Ben 10 backpack. He is itching to go.

He does brilliantly. He joins in, listens well, participates in discussions without interrupting and the teachers just love the information he has to offer. They talk about planets and the teacher sends homework for him to continue because his knowledge is far past the kinder discussions. Well it's not really homework but the teacher must have her own love of the subject and sends her favorite websites home for him to follow up.

I breathe a sigh of relief. He'll be ok, maybe he was just understimulated. The other boys enjoy building with him, he has fabulous ideas and more to work with in the block department.


He makes friends, he blends well. All is good at Kinder.

Daycare and Kinder years

I've gone back to work full time so with some trepidation I put the children into daycare. Scorpio can take them on Fridays so they don't have to be there a full week. With all the travel to work and back it ends up being quite a long day for them.

Surprisingly Cyclone does just fine, some days he doesn't want to go but that's pretty normal. He doesn't like walking into the room but if everyone is doing something else and the blocks are out ready to play he zeros right in without a second look.
After awhile he even waves goodbye with a smile on his face.

At pick up time he is bursting to show me his latest creation and beams when we all tell him how amazing it is. He gets very distressed at the thought of breaking it down at pack up time and fairly soon they don't ask.

One of the assistants, Mimi really really gets his number. She makes an incredible fuss of his creations and when I pick him up she calls to me - "oh you MUST see this beautiful train Cyclone has made, it is so wonderful we have put it up on the shelf so it doesn't get broken by anyone". She takes his worries, very very seriously and never once treats him like a child - she treats him the same as she would her own friends I think. I ADORE this lady.

But the blocks must be put away eventually and Cyclone seems to think it's ok if I take a photo. I have so many on my phone right I can't fit in anything else and even though he never asks about the pictures I can't bring myself to delete them.

At the end of the year the centre does a play. They rehearse alot and about a week before the boy in the lead role of 'granpa' decides he doesn't want to do it. Somehow they talk Cyclone into it. For the next week I get mobbed by various staff members excitedly telling me how wonderful he is, and how impressed they are. It's not that he is the next Johnny Depp, it's they are so proud of what he is able to do.

It's obvious that his quirks endear him to everyone at daycare and for a minute there I dream of being a stage mum...cos they're normal right?


I look back and can now see why Cyclone was able to do that, when usually anyone he doesn't know looks at him he screams abuse.

It's a play. It's scripted. He knows exactly what is going to happen next and with all the rehearsing he knows when people are going to laugh and why they think its funny.

Ahhh hindsight.

Faster. Louder. Further. More-er

He is just a typical child - amplified.

Normal frustrations when things don't work, just LOUDER and FASTER. If it doesn't work in an instant screaming ensues. I'm an impatient person and I understand him to a point - but PHEW!

People think he is spoilt, the in-laws think he needs a good hard smack and now I'm getting frustrated. Can't they SEE? Just because he is little doesn't mean what he is trying to tell you isn't important. He can tell you are not listening to him if you just nod and smile assuming he is babbling about nothing or trying to show you a new toy. If you listened you would hear him telling you HOW the toy works, not that it lights up and whirrs, but how this is happening.

He asks me a question - and before I have a chance to draw breath to answer he is on the floor screaming because I haven't answered fast enough. Faster. Louder.

He loves Thomas the Tank Engine soooo much. More. More-er.

He HATES Sesame Street. When the opening credits come on he screeches "get it off get it off I HATE it!" I'm always dashing for the remote to avoid the morning head split. Sometimes sadly I'm in the toilet at the wrong time.

He LOVES The Simpsons, I'm not sure if it's PC for kids to watch it, but it's practically an institution in this house and it's a cartoon for fucks sake.
Pretty soon Cyclone goes NUTS at the opening credits for this too. The difference is we all MUST WATCH THE START. Everyone in the house has to be in attendance for this nightly event.

We just do it. Yeah it's a hassle sometimes but it's "just a Cyclone thing". He's our funny little boy.

Cyclones dad (Scorpio) doesn't like taking him out to the shops anymore. Cyclone screams when he doesn't get his way, won't leave the toy section and runs amok in the supermarket.

I don't have that problem. I've noticed that Cyclone is better when he knows what's going to happen. Before we go out I say - "we are going to the bank, then the fruit shop, then to the bakery". He is fine with that. I tell him we are leaving the toy shop in 2 minutes and I walk away when it's time to go. I don't make a big deal, I don't negotiate and although he might whine a little, he follows me out.

When Scorpio takes him there are tanties in the aisles, screaming, swearing and Scorpio gets embarrassed, feels the pressure of all eyes on him. He does the right thing, he tries to explain it's time to go. He gets down to Cyclones level (physically) but Cyclone always takes it to a new level. The pressure of others tut tutting gets to him and he ends up throwing Cyclone over his shoulder and walking out. No one is happy.

I blame Scorpio for not being firmer. Funnily enough he thinks I give in to Cyclone because I listen, and I feel I understand him.

Now he is Three

Oh...he sleeps!

It only took a couple of weeks in the Big Bed, but HE SLEEPS!

No more being rocked to the tune of "This Old Man" times 20. A story from mum and story from dad and he falls to sleep and stays that way.

We did a Parenting Course (Triple P) and although daddy and I have completely different parenting styles the one thing we learnt was strong boundaries and he loves them. It's tiring though but through the meltdowns we just kept on going. Kept backing each other up (and when we disagreed we took it up with each other in the garage later in the night).

I had given in before then though. I mean, I came to the conclusion that Cyclone was a "Difficult Child". OOHHHHHH YEEEAHH. There is that term. Another blogger got ripped a new one for using that term and in my opinion the people that did so can kiss my wobbly white butt.

You see, I pored over all the baby and toddler books looking for answers. Some I threw into the backyard in disgust, some were ok and had lots of advice but nothing if the advice didn't work. Except one by Christopher Green.

He has a lovely down-to-earth writing style and near the end of one of his books it said something along the lines of - If this doesn't work and your child doesn't sleep/is still unsettled/unhappy you might just have one of the something (sorry can't remember) % that are 'difficult children'. Just know in my experience that nearly all of these kids end up sleeping by 3 years of age. Hang in there. So I did and he was right. We just stopped looking for answers and waited it out.

The Toddler

As a toddler he was easily frustrated. But aren’t they all? He started to talk right on time, walked right on time. Said sentences early. I started calling him BamBam because he was a ‘bashy baby’. Just bashed all his toys all over the place making as much noise as possible at all times. He was still easily upset, hard to please, insistent.

Before his first birthday he learnt to turn on the stereo and play a Foo Fighters CD. He loved to boogie and would wiggle his little nappy clad bum and stamp his feet.
Getting him to sleep was still a nightmare. He would stand in the cot shaking it and screaming NO THANK YOOOOU, over and over again. You could only smile at the angry manners.

His sister was born just before he was 2 years old. We were so sleep deprived and surrounded by nappies we didn’t feel another baby would make much difference. And she didn’t. It did to Cyclone. He was fascinated by her but quickly learnt a great way to get a reaction is to jump onto the wooden floors just as mummy was getting the baby to sleep.

Thankfully out of the blue he started going to bed happily and sleeping though when he was three. What a long three years that was……

Cyclone the baby

Cyclone as a baby – phew. He just didn’t stop crying for hours and hours on end. He seemed overwhelmed all the time. He didn’t sleep well. We rocked and paced and jiggled, we bathed, massaged and he just cried the whole time.

I found it hard to ‘get’ him. It’s hard to get close to a baby that’s stiff as a board and screaming loud enough to crack your eardrums. For awhile I thought it was my own stress because I thought he was going to die thanks to the stupid comment from that midwife.

I had a wonderful Maternal Health Nurse. Her first home visit was when Cyclone was about 2 weeks old. I answered the door, thrust the squalling bundle into her arms and burst into tears. On retrospect I was lucky she wasn’t a salesman because I probably would have done the same thing no matter who was at the door.
Wonderful nurse sent Cyclone and I to bed – for weeks if necessary. I think I stayed in there for three. I highly recommend this for ANY new mother. It gives you time to get to know your baby without the stresses of getting dressed, and in the early days getting dressed seems like such a faraway dream somedays….

Weeks later things weren’t much better. Cyclone fed every 90 minutes and could not be persuaded otherwise. By 4 months things had settled down a little – or maybe we just adjusted. My now teenage daughter was 12 then, so pretty self sufficient, the dogs got used to being fed at 2am and I was thanking heaven for paid maternity leave.

We tried sleep school, but we left early. Leaving a distressed child to cry doesn’t make them any less distressed. I did what they told me for 4 days but even the nurse said she didn’t feel things were changing and it just wasn’t going to work.

He learned to throw a head butt at about six months old. After the 3rd time he got one of us right in the nose we realized it was deliberate. Seriously. He would tuck in his chin and lean his weight forward so he sort of fell on you. Looking back I think he bumped his head by accident but noticed there was a big reaction OOWWWCH and tried it again. Even that young, he was noticing.

He weaned himself and went to Goats Milk formula when he was seven months. I was heartbroken - boobies were the only thing that stopped the screaming. He couldn’t tolerate regular formula, his tummy hurt and of course he cried and cried and cried.

I will finish this entry by saying plenty of babies are like this in their first few months. If you are reading this with a screaming, squirming child in your arms - please do not crap your pants and worry there is something wrong. I am just setting up the story and giving some background.

When he was born

I had a physically perfect pregnancy with Cyclone. Plenty of morning sickness, tiredness and cravings.

Emotionally it was an awful time. I was still trying to sort the financial settlement from the breakup of my marriage and my brother died in an accident. My partner (Scorpio) lost his house in a fire and moved in (which obviously resulted in Cyclone coming along) with his daughter, dogs and bird. Changing schools, teen angst, insurance company battles, hospitals, funeral all on top of mothering a 9 year old and working full time…ACH!

Cyclone was an easy birth physically, again mentally it was awful. I do labour fast, and although I told the midwife this was really it, apparently she didn’t believe me. I was stressed because I wasn’t being listened to, didn’t feel safe and couldn’t get into a zone. The midwife squealed when Cyclone was emerging and told me to stop pushing. He shot out 30 seconds later and she yelled “stop, he’s too small”….. He wasn’t too small, he was just under 7 pounds. But the misplaced hysteria in her voice rang in my head for months afterwards.

I handed him to visitors asking them if they thought he was too small, when I spoke to people on the phone I asked if they thought 6pd 9oz was too small. Are you sure? Really? I’d be reassured constantly but I was so nervous all the time. For some reason I kept thinking he might die. Makes no sense and I couldn’t help those thoughts.

Let me say here – that I am (or I used to be) pretty chilled out, laid back person. This wasn’t first time mum nerves, I’ve done this before – pretty much sailed though with my daughter. This concept was totally foreign to me.

However I must mention how thrilled and full of joy I was for being the mother of a son! He was just perfect with the longest legs I’ve ever seen on a baby. He was placed on my tummy straight after birth and literally ran up my body and attached to my breast. I later asked who moved him up to my boob and my sister said, “no one, he did it himself, he gave 2 huge frog kicks and pushed himself – I couldn’t believe what I was seeing”. Awesome, wonderful, perfect.